I can't believe that it's been over a year since I posted my last blog. More than that, it's been 18 months. So, where have I been? I have been experiencing the amazing love of Jesus and the incredible refining grace of God. But to tell you the full story, I have to go back before I started this blog, to 2010, when I had a beautiful little daughter, she is our first child and she is an incredible gift and blessing from God. But, like many new mothers, I experienced a lot of emotional complications that resulted in a downward spiral into postpartum depression. It crept up slowly. Some days I couldn't get up, some days I just felt listless and worn out, other days I just felt angry and didn't know why. By God's grace I was able to take care of my daughter, but it was really hard. Then, not long after, I became pregnant with our second daughter. Also beautiful, fiery and full of life.
Both girls are treasures, beautiful, wonderful blessings from God. But there were days when it was so hard to see that. At times the depression lessened and almost went away, only to come back worse. And I began to feel guilty, thinking that maybe there was something that I was doing wrong. But I still didn't tell anyone, or open up about what I was dealing with. It just seemed too hard and I was so afraid of what other people would think of me. I had a that all-to-common stigma of depression, thinking that it was something that really good, godly, true Christians didn't get. So I hid it. And I hid it pretty well. The only indication was the constant messiness of my house, that I could never seem to find the energy to conquer. But, generally, people see a messy house and they wonder why the person doesn't just get up off their chair and do something about it. They don't think that this is a struggle that isn't just rooted in laziness. Not that being depressed makes it okay not to keep your house well, because housekeeping is always something I've struggled with, but as I longed to do better in this area, the depression often overwhelmed me leaving me numb and exhausted from fighting making it that much harder to overcome an already overwhelming struggle. So guilt piled on top of the depression, and I was terrified that someone would find out my secret and some unknown "bad" thing would happen. And really, all of that was just a lie, and in my heart of hearts I knew it was...I just couldn't get rid of the fear because I was looking inward rather than upward.
You see, it wasn't the first time that I'd dealt with depression, the first time began when I was 12 years old, and didn't lift until I was 24. That time, as well, I didn't talk to anyone about it for a very, very long time. It wasn't until the spring after I was 24 that I finally really, truly, opened up to someone about what I was struggling with. And when I did, it was like a breath of fresh air and I realized, for the first time, that God didn't judge me for being depressed, that it was a very common illness that many people struggled with and that he loved me through it. The realization came at a church meeting, when two of the ladies at the church did a presentation on depression, what it looks like, and how common it is among Christians. I think I got half-way through the checklist before tears started streaming down my face. I ticked the box on nearly every single symptom, and it was okay. It wasn't my fault that I was struggling with this, and I knew that God loved me in it. Not many months later, God revealed to me some root sins in my heart that I needed to give up to him, and as I turned to him for hope, instead of looking to others, He just lifted the depression right off of me. One day I woke up and realized that God had worked a miracle. I was no longer depressed.
So, what happened, 5 years later, when I began to struggle with depression once again, in perfectly natural circumstances following the birth of my daughter? I thought that I was being selfless, I thought that I was being helpful, and I thought that I was doing what was right...but really, I was just being selfish and deceived. Because the reality was that I had built a reputation for myself, mostly in my own mind, on being the girl that God had miraculously healed from depression. I was that amazing miracle of God. Which was totally the case, but what I'd done was make that an identity for myself instead of finding my sole identity in Christ. As the struggle continued God led us to a new church at the beginning of 2012 and a rapid succession of life changes that left me reeling and sent me further and further into a depressed state...until the suicidal thoughts that before had caused me merely a momentary shudder, became an hours and sometimes day-long battle to keep moving forward with life. The pain was excruciating.
So one night, when my husband and I were having a rare but difficult argument, I suddenly found myself crying out loud that I just wanted to die. And the whole thing came out. And for a moment, I felt absolutely terrified that my husband, who had always been loving and kind to me, would reject me. Because this seemed like something that was just too bad for me even to admit. But, instead, he looked at me with eyes full of the love of Jesus, and told me that he felt closer to me in that moment, than he had in the past 2 years of our marriage. And I realized how selfish I had been, and how much I had hurt my family by my silence, and I repented and asked my husband to forgive me. Because even though I'd thought I was being helpful and being strong for my family, I'd really just been trying to protect myself. And I also began to see clearly how much God had been loving me all along, all through the dark days of depression and shame and fear.
It was during those days of silence that I had started this blog, I think in the hopes that focussing on a topic that was close to my heart would draw me out of my depression and I just couldn't keep up with it. I had been putting so many things above God in my hopes and dreams. And, in that, I was living a different kind of impurity in my life. I was giving way to the idols of this world: achievement, self-preservation, fear, strength, and security. And letting the world control me, rather than Christ. In the past year, God has been slowly and surely stripping all those things away, little by little. It's a process that I know I will be going through for the rest of my life, as one idol after another rears it's ugly head to tempt me, but it is wonderful because it is being done by God, not by my own power. And seeing God work is really wonderful. More awe-inspiring than any sunset, more amazing than any grand and glorious mountain, more incredible than any musical performance or piece of artwork or work of literature. It is wonderful because God is wonderful and amazing and incredible. My glorious God full of grace and truth and kindness and mercy.
And I began a long process of soul-searching and healing, which is still continuing today. A day or two later it was Sunday, and my amazing husband took me forward for prayer. A godly man from our church talked and prayed with us, and, for the first time I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Many dark and troublesome days followed. But I was so surrounded by the prodigious love of Jesus, and the amazing love of godly Christian community, that even in the darkest times and deepest struggles, I felt as though I was protected by a warm and tender covering. And as I put my hand in the hand of God, and reached out to the wonderful community of faith that he put me in, I began to see small changes here and there that grew into massive changes, and I began to feel like I was a spectator in my own life. Just standing back and looking on in awe at what Christ was beginning to achieve. And As I was being prayed for, time and time again, I heard God's voice saying to me that I am his daughter and that he loves me. It was the first time that I really, truly felt that that was the case.
In a couple months it will have been a year since I told Brian what was going on with the depression that I was experiencing. I have been ministered to in so many incredible ways, by incredible people, and loved by God in so many wonderful ways...more ways than I can even count. This is such a bare summary of what has happened over the past year, but the long and the short of it is that God is amazing and wonderful and he has showered me with blessing upon blessing. The greatest blessing of all, is now being in a place where I can begin to be a blessing to others and minister to them. Because a few years ago, that was something I was barely capable of. The struggle is not over yet. There are still days when I feel down and feel sad and oppressed. But in reality, those are the moments when the light of Christ shines the brightest into my life, and even in the midst of the storm I know his peace. Not because of anything I have done or will do, but because he loves me and he has already done it all.
You can read more about my struggle with depression in a poem I wrote called Redemption.